It's been nearly a year and a half since I actually gave birth to my son, Teddy. Luckily I wrote this post for a work project not long after the experience so it's as fresh as it ever was!
Obviously this is just my own personal experience from my son's birth and the beautiful thing about birth is it can be such a varied experience. I was lucky to have a relatively uncomplicated natural birth. So without any further ado, here are 21 things that ran through my mind during the birth of my first child.
I think this is it! Hello contractions!
Hmm I guess that wasn't it
Okay this has GOT to be the real deal. *Consults Dr. Google* Yes, the tightening is starting at the top and pushing in a downwards motion and they're getting stronger. They're pretty manageable though. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones whose contractions feel like period cramps!
I am not one of the lucky ones whose contractions feel like period cramps. Fuckety fuck it hurrrrtttttssssssssss.
*30 seconds later* Actually no, I'm fine.
Maybe I should start playing my hypnobirthing tracks. *Plays tracks* 12 odd hours of this? Won't be annoying at all.
*On the drive to the hospital having a contraction as we drive over the train tracks* MOTHERF*CKER!$@)C#%FJSDLJ!!!!!!
*Midwife checks me and asks if I want to know how dilated I am* Definitely. I must be at least 8cm by now.
*Midwife tells me how dilated I am* Well shit. Why the fuck would she tell me that?!
I think I'd like to get in the birthing tub now
Is that my poop?
Get me the fuck out of this goddamn bath
I can't do this any more. I need the epidural! Inject me in the eyeball, I don't even care just make it stop!
Why is everyone ignoring me?! I NEED the drugs NOW!
I. Need. To. Push.
No I do NOT want to look in the mirror!
*Baby is out!* Sweet relief! Nothing has ever felt so good.
He. Is. Perfect. Although he does kind of look like an alien... But OMG he's perfect <3
That was the single best, hardest, most disgusting and most beautiful thing I've ever done. I am Super Woman!
Holy shit my flaps are ENORMOUS! That had better just be swelling!*
Can I have an ice pack please?
*Don't worry ladies, it's just swelling haha